16 Men Describe The Worst Blowjob They’ve Ever Gotten (And What Made It So Terrible)


She was extremely enthusiastic.

Used her teeth…enthusiastically.

Grabbed bollocks and massaged them like the Mountain massages heads…enthusiastically.

Allowed her enthusiasm to overstep her ability…enthusiastically. This lead to projectile vomiting of the sort usually reserved for the morning after a dare to deplete the full liquid reserves of a city’s breweries. To be fair, it was enthusiastic upchucking. But there’s something about picking carrot chunks out of your willy-moustache, and wiping puke off your sac, while she’s having a sob about how “it’s never happened before” and she doesn’t understand why it did “because every man she’s sucked off was waaayyy bigger so it must be your fault” that just ruins the moment.

Then she wanted to make-out to make-up. Without brushing her teeth. Blood shot eyes from her bout of amateur dramatics, snot dripping, and Mr Happy very much on a protest strike. Which lead to an argument about not finding her attractive.

— blondevikinginvader

3.

Pulled on it 3 times, licked it once. That was it. Wasn’t even the worst part of that experience. She told me to bite her boob. I did, gently, then she ripped it out of my mouth and bled on me.

— Solution68

4.

Barely any enthusiasm, pressure, or response to direction. I actually never felt less sexually compatible with a gal I went out with than after that blowjob.

— KingEsoteric

5.

She’s puked chicken Mac n cheese on me after trying to deep throat.

— wheredoyougetoffhuh

6. 

She just put it in and sucked. Maybe she’d flick her tongue here and there but that’s it. No bobbing, no enthusiasm(she hated anything sexual). Glad I got out of that shit.

— ManOfLegends

7.

Girlfriend had just got braces, felt a little burn but didn’t mind, thought it was nothing big. Didn’t realize until later, when we were having sex and afterwards I found out I could apparently become a death metal stereotype and ejaculate blood.

— Haeguil

8.

My ex was giving me head in the hotel room one night while we were on a trip with other people, and she scraped me a bit with her teeth. Didn’t think much of it, although it was odd because I Had many blowjobs from her, none with teeth.

Then, there was more teeth. So I said “Ooh hey be careful there” and she smiled and kept going.

Then again, but when I said something she looked up at me angrily, opened her mouth and fucking chomped down. I was so pissed, and my poor dick was bleeding. Of course, I said “What the fuck!” And she goes “You ignored me all day today!”, crossed her arms and pouted.

Worst blowjob ever.

— Z3ppelinDude93

9.

Her mouth was super dry, she didn’t use her tongue and the smell of my, just washed, completely clean, penis was apparently “super gross.” She had the enthusiasm of a dead marmot. Let me tell you something about marmots. . . they’re not overly enthusiastic about blow jobs even when alive.

— Valkes

10.

She passed out with my dick in her mouth. Turns out she had been prescribed Ambien for insomnia and didn’t mention that she took one a little bit before. I didn’t notice until I heard her cock-snoring . I had to very carefully lift her drooling face off my rapidly deflating penis and put her to bed, and to this day she either doesn’t remember or feigns convenient memory loss as to that night.

— SovietPropagandist

11.

The unenthusiastic blowjob is the worst. If the blowjob is out of done sense of obligation, then I just don’t want it.

Fuck, I can pay a prostitute and she’ll at least be excited about getting the money….

Or at least, I’m assuming.

— Meatros

12.

It was about a decade ago. We went out had some wings….got home and I think I hit a wrong angle with a hip thrust….suddenly wings came back up.

What made it the worst was these were stupid hot wings, so now my cock is burning from the challenge level hot sauce she ingested.

— d3rp_diggler

13.

The worst blowjob I’ve experienced was with a then-co-worker girl I knew.

When her lips went over my cock, she just slightly bobbed with no sucking or licking or damn near anything. Was super passive and a huge turn off.

— LurkingStoic

14.

She didn’t completely know what to do and was just sort of bobbing open mouthed over my little man. I had to try my hardest to subtly indicate she should try things differently.

— PhoneShop

15.

Earlier this year. We were kind of casually hooking up and one night at like 2 she decided she wanted to give me a blowjibber. After about 5 minutes of her just kind of bobbing her head up and down she asked if I was close. I was just like “not really” and asked if she wanted some tips and put her hand on it.

She got like insulted and said “fuck you” and left. I was so surprised I just kind of laughed. That was the last time we hooked up and she started dating my buddy

— julius_sphincter

16.

Two seconds of a blowjob followed by, “My jaw hurts.”

If you don’t want to do it, just say so. Don’t make up some bullshit about why you can’t do it.

— kingcal TC mark



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